Late Night Reflections Part I

I’m doing the part 1 thing here because I know this is going to happen more than once, so here goes.

I’m having a LOT of trouble with anger and letting go. I know it’s a matter of finding the right perspective to allow me to let go and find compassion, but dear god, it’s like pulling teeth sometimes. There’s so much injustice in this world, and I’m someone who feels the pain of others deeply, which leads to anger at the maltreatment of others. It’s hard to see something like the news coming from Chicago (which boils down to “if you don’t have a job or college lined up, you won’t get your diploma”) which harms marginalized communities more than privileged ones and not be angry. The line of thinking that says “They’re pushing their suffering on others” doesn’t work as well when it’s someone in a position of institutional power causing mass suffering (see the majority of the US government at the moment).

I know that I’m supposed to let go of anger. I know that I’m supposed to help where I can and to let go where I can’t help, but something like this is hard. I look at my child, my sweet, innocent little one, and it angers me because I know, statistically speaking, he’ll have trouble finding a job when he’s older thanks to bias against people with autism not only in the job market, but in school, too. And that’s provided he can work (this isn’t a judgement on anyone or to say that autistic people can’t work, but I refuse to place value on whether or not one can work, which is what this policy does, and some autistic people can’t work for a variety of reasons. That doesn’t make them less worthy of graduating) or go to college (see the last parenthetical and insert the appropriate phrasing for higher ed).

I think of other parents, and what this is going to do to their children, and it hurts me. It hurts to know that disprivileged children are going to suffer for elitists’ policy. It hurts that there are people who lack any shred of empathy, sympathy, or compassion that they would condemn children to a future that virtually guarantees poverty. And I don’t know how to let go of that right now.

It’s not just that situation, either. It’s the entirety of the world and its atavism toward others. Between wars waged on ideological differences and extremism, hatred of others based on differences that are nothing more than constructs, and myriad other things, the world hurts me on a deep, visceral level that’s hard to navigate to work through without feeling overwhelmed.

As a child, I would look at pictures of the earth from space and think “Why do we divide ourselves up? We’re all people of earth, why can’t we act like we are?” I miss that innocence, because as I grew older, I realized the only reason we do so is to maintain supremacy over others. Who has the most land, the best land, the best technology, the most money, it’s all essentially a pissing contest for lack of a better phrase. We kill, attack, hurt, starve, lash out against one another because we want to prove we’re the best, and it makes no sense.

To paraphrase Carl Sagan, we’re all riding around on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam, with no hope of help coming from somewhere else. Yet we refuse to act like it and allow our baser instincts to rule us instead of fighting against them and acting as if we’re a global community. We seek to oppress to establish dominance, we seek to oppress to establish supremacy, and it’s saddening, sickening, and yes, infuriating.

Maybe that’s the challenge of this life for me. Maybe I was put here because in a former life, I was one of those people who sought to oppress and I need to learn to let go. I don’t know. I can’t know with any certainty. However, I do know I need to find a way past it so I don’t bring more suffering into my own life, and into the world.

There’s no point to this post. It’s me ranting and thinking out loud, as well as talking into the void. If you find some comfort in this post, I’m glad. If it’s angered you somehow, I’m sorry. If it’s made you think or brought you to a greater realization of how to let go of anger over situations you can’t control…well, please share it with me because I could use the help. 🙂

/fin